I can't even

I did horribly today. Ended up taking a nap to avoid eating, woke up, and binged without even thinking.
Literally without thinking. I don't recall any thoughts. I just remember going to the fridge, grabbing the first thing I could get my hands on, and eating.
I was going to purge but my sister was in the bathroom. Half an hour when I tried, I couldn't get anything up. I'm still nauseous. I still want to puke.
I want like, a green tea smoothie. But more calories isn't a way to fix a binge.
I hate myself.