Planning... as per usual.

(Canadian) Thanksgiving is less than a week away... yikes. So basically I'm on a pumpkin spree. I'm making pumpkin everything, and I'm trying to get my house decorated... but I'm like, super lazy, and I have work and school and blah blah blah. I really want to do some festive baking but I'm scared I'll eat it. Ugh.
Anyway, lately I've been doing decently with food. My last binge was Friday night, and I purged 3/4 of it. Yesterday I ate nothing. I drank a few too many cappuccinos, and a few too many beers, but I burned practically all of it off at work, and then walking around afterwards. I weighed this morning and I lost again. I'm stoked.
This morning I had 444 calories (Frittata + Cliff bar) and 64 calories in a homemade pumpkin spice latte. I'm going to burn most of it at work (-340), and I might work out before bed (Ab work?). Anyway, I'm satisfied with today, because even with my liquid cals and what not I'm following the ABC. My NET has fallen in to the restrictions all but Friday. Today is 300 calories, and with work my NET is 168. Granted, I'll probably have a small English toffee + a bunch of black coffee at work, so it'll probably end up at about 300.
I'm liquid fasting until tomorrow at noon, where my friend is going to buy me subway (350 cals), which keeps me under the 400 cal limit. After that, I'm restarting liquid fasting at 1pm. It ends on Saturday, whenever we have Turkey dinner. I'm going to try not to binge... but if I do, I can't purge, and I'm actually really nervous about it. Especially since I have to weigh that morning.
Fasting is getting easier.
I'm getting thinner.
But I feel bigger than ever.

Does Anyone Like to Plan Like I do?

Technically, I was supposed to end my fast last night at 10pm.
Even though I was fasting, I still consumed 330 caloires. My friend bought me a venti pumpkin spice (non fat, no whip) even though I asked for a tall...
I know I didn't have to drink it, but I was so exhausted. Ana hasn't stopped bitching about that.
I think I burned most of it off, though.
Anyway! The fast continues! In about 45 minutes I'll be at 36 hours. I'm aiming now for 48. Hopefully I can do it... mom is away and there's a lot of foods I could binge and purge on.
No.
I need to be skinny.
Need.
Right now I suppose I'm classified as a 'wannarexic'.
I'm fat, and I fail practically every day.
I know a lot of people say "it doesn't matter what size you are if you're struggling" blah blah blah.
Bullshit.
Bullfuckingshit.
I'm losing this weight.

Letters.

Imagine being skinny. Imagine having a gap between your thighs, collarbones you can catch rainwater in, and hipbones that protrude. Imagine feeling light, being 120lbs. Imagine having thin arms and wrists. Imagine being seen as "that skinny girl who only eats healthy/doesn't eat". If you're not even a little happy, you can always change back. Your "eating disorder" and restricting doesnt have to take away your friends, joy, grades. Food won't make you happy long term. Feeling your bones does. Binging and purging doesn't make you happy. It makes you irritated and lazy. I motivate you. I give you mental strength and bring you closer to the goals you've been obsessed with for years. Don't have the time spent on this be wasted. You're strong. You can be thin. You can be whoever you want to be. A Wintergirl. I believe in you. I'm here for you. Listen to me, believe in yourself, stay strong. Stay busy. Think thin. Starve on. Love, Ana.

Ana,
I'm not fighting you anymore.
I'm embracing you.
Welcome.
Love, Catt.

Originally it started as a note to self. As I started on the third sentence, Ana's voice took over.

The Thin Pact.

My blog is so fucking generic, I can't stand it.

My best ana friend Riley and I made a pact tonight. We're devoting ourselves completely to ana. We want to be thin, we're done with food, we're done with Mia.
I'm excited. And scared. And I kinda want to cry and I'm also a little tipsy.
Ana, darling, won't you come into my life?
I'm ready to give myself to you.
I'm ready to listen to your every word.
I'm ready to be your disciple, and your best friend,
your most devoted student.
It sounds like I'm praying to a disease.
I am.
I'm done straddling the corner of the fences that divide recovery, ana, and mia. I'm currently standing on the ledge, looking into the barren wasteland lush green fields of wintergirl territory. I'm closing my eyes, taking a breath, and hoping over.
Tonight I fall asleep with ana by my side.
Tomorrow I wake up and grab her hand as I walk through the day.
I'm fasting tomorrow. Day 4 of ABC on Thursday.
I won't let you down, Ana.
I can't.

Good Morning!

The last two days failed...
I'm not even going to get into it.
I restarted the ABC yesterday. 500 calories today.
So far I've had 444 calories... oops.
Calories well spent, however.

I woke up this morning at 6am specifically to carmalize onions...
Yea, I feel a little insane considering I usually wake up at 8:40.
Anyway, I made myself a lovely (black) cup of coffee.

4 calories.

Then I hauled my fat ass out of bed and managed to create this beauty.

180 calories per half.

4 eggs, one red onion, parmasean cheese. I used this recipe for the onions, and then poured 1tbsp of the cheese and the eggs over them when they were done. I let that cook on the burner until the sides were solid, put another tbsp of cheese on top, and then I put it under the broiler for about 10 minutes.
It was fantastic.
I only ate half. My mom and her boyfriend had the other half.

I seriously enjoyed this. Every bite I chewed 30 times, had a sip of water between each forkful. It was insanely flavorful.
And that was all I planned on having...
and then mom bought me this.

Liquid cals. Guilt free. But I'm not having lunch now.
...
Correction.
Lunch will be diet pills and water.
Possibly a diet coke.
We'll see how it goes.
At least I burned 80 cals cooking and cleaning.

I've decided to take pictures of everything I ingest from now on, except water. It's autumn and so my camera is glued to my side.

Also, my plan for the next few weeks before Maui.
Next two weeks - ABC
Third week - Master cleanse
Last 4 or 5 days - ABC
Maui - Fruit and Veg
November 1st - Start ABC on 4th week
After that - 2, 4, 6, 8 diet or Russian Gymnast.

Work

I'm currently on break at work. I've had 700 calories today, but with 8 hours on my feet running around plus a walk this morning I've burned 758 off.
I'm eating a chocolate chip peanut butter cliff bar and I'll probably be having veggies for my second break, with a roasted portabello mushroom for dinner when I get home.
May go for a run tonight. Depends on how much my feet hurt at the end of my shift.

I can't even

I did horribly today. Ended up taking a nap to avoid eating, woke up, and binged without even thinking.
Literally without thinking. I don't recall any thoughts. I just remember going to the fridge, grabbing the first thing I could get my hands on, and eating.
I was going to purge but my sister was in the bathroom. Half an hour when I tried, I couldn't get anything up. I'm still nauseous. I still want to puke.
I want like, a green tea smoothie. But more calories isn't a way to fix a binge.
I hate myself.

Last Night/ABC

Last night was a fail. I was in the middle of bingeing when my mom decided we were going to watch home movies. I finished my binge, but by the time I could purge it was 2 hours later. Then, in my self sabatoging way, I suggested we go get ice cream. I ate an entire medium blizzard and a cup of candy that I got from the Macs.
Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.
Anyway, in addition to @SealedSecrets challenge on twitter, I'm joining @AnorexicFiles with the ABC diet.
Today is 500 calories. So far I've had 319 calories and burned 105, bringing me to a NET of 214.
:)

Foods Class

Surprisingly, it isn't even difficult for me to avoid eating in here. I just give everything to my partner. She eats so much, it's insane. And she's not even fat. Just a little chubby. Thinner than me, even.
Ugh.
I have a big cut on my knuckle from purging yesterday. I think I need to stop for awhile. My everything needs a break from it.
Good thing I have no desire to eat.
I woke up this morning feeling empty, thin, and non bloated. I'm feeling my collarbones as I type this. I hope I'm back down to 165 when I weigh on Saturday, because I've only had one non-purged binge this week (and it didn't even bring me above 1500kcal).
Thin. Thin. Think. Thin.
Only liquids tonight. I found my blender, so I'm having a green smoothie for dinner. Mom also bought Greek yogurt. She never does that. I'm so happy.
My sister just started volleyball and cheer leading, and she's getting so thin. She's been complaining about her body though, and mom has challenged me to help everybody start eating clean. Challenge a-fucking-cepted. I'll be making dinner 3x a week, breakfast, lunches. I'll know what's going into everyones bodies.
I'm also vegetarian now. I'll try for vegan eventually.
My iPod is going to die. I shall post later.

Realization.

Today I read something that really got me thinking. The difference between thin and fat people is fattitude. Thin people don't have fattitude, which is the thing that makes us ana/mia girls binge. In order to be thin we have to completely surrender and stop seeing food as something that is there for us, something to comfort us. We have to stop looking at it like a friend, a forbidden treat. It. Is. Poison. It's not something worth eating. Yes, a certain amount of food is needed to keep us breathing. That's fuel. It's eaten so we don't pass out and we can get through our days and workouts. ...but that is all it is. True, having delicious fuel is always great, but it's so much more rewarding to put clean and nutritious calories in our bodies.
So today was my last binge, and I'm giving up my fattitude, and my lust for naughty foods. I'm embracing a thin girl's mind. Food is NOT a friend. It's fuel.

@SealedSecrets No Binge Challenge

Rules:

• Never over 700kcal a day (including fruits and vegetables)
• No sweets
• No guilty spreads
• No white bread/pasta
• Min 300 jumping jacks, 100 crunches, 50 squats
• 1 litre of water a day, minimum
• Use diet drinks sparingly
• Post results at the end of the day to @SealedSecrets
• Starts September 20th, ends January 1, 2012

I've decided to partake in this. It seems reasonable :)

The Master Cleanse

Today was shit. I woke up and had a lovely breakfast which totaled about 300 calories. I was okay with this. Then I went to school and had to have Foods class, which brought on the most insane binge urges of my life. I went home at lunch time to binge and purge, and ended up missing 4th period. Oops.
I also stole some of my mom's diuretics, because they get rid of water weight. After I either buy or shoplift some more lax, I'm stealing more diuretics and I'm using them before weighing on Saturday.
Anyway, I went to group therapy after school, and ate probably 1100 calories worth of food. Fuck. I wasn't planning on eating anything else, but a bunch of people brought food in and I started freaking out and couldn't handle it.
Just thinking about it is bringing on huge binge urges. I'm thinking about eating and purging before I shower right away.
Tomorrow is the start of a liquid fast/cleanse. Pure juice, water, tea, coffee, skim milk, liquid soups. I'm hoping to do that until Saturday morning.
I hope this goes well.

Edit
The title doesn't really make sense. I was considering doing the master cleanse. I'm not sure anymore.